D-Day

I thought I’d take to mothering like a duck takes to water.
In reality, though, mothering (and parenting) is hard. It’s not natural, or stress free. Someone this week described it to me as your own heart suddenly wandering around outside of your own body – there’s only so much you can do to protect it. There’s only so much you can do for it, because it is not physically part of you. 

I literally never thought this day would come. Ever. 

I always thought I’d be a full time stay at home mummy and housewife.

In reality, though, I am starting work tomorrow morning. New school. New children. New chapter. And that’s ok. It really is. I mean, I have the same new job jitters that everyone has, but I know I will be fine. I haven’t forgotten how to teach. I haven’t forgotten how to speak to other human beings.

In reality, I am looking forward to work, and having my own freedom. I am looking forward to being known as someone other than mummy. I am looking forward to having a different kind of responsibility.

I never thought this day would come.

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Time’s Up!

Last night I barely slept a wink. Not only had my back decided to be cruel to me, but I lay awake thinking about going back to work. Thoughts rushed through my head.

Will she eat? Will she be able to self soothe? Will she just cry the whole time? Will she feel abandoned? Will she miss me? What if she doesn’t miss me? Am I doing the right thing? Is it too soon? Should I have gone back earlier?

And then, I had the thoughts actually relating to my job. I am starting at a new school where I’ve never taught before. I’m working in Year 6, which I haven’t done since my training. What if I can’t do it? What if I’m actually rubbish? What if my new colleagues don’t like me? 

You may sense a recurring theme across much of my blog, as I talk about my faith and my faults. Trusting God completely is something I have struggled with in the past, but I know I must do it once more. This new job is so perfect. I was really blessed to have it given to me. If I trust in Him, I know I can enjoy a peace and joy that nothing earthly can bring. I know I can be hopeful about my future as a working mum.

Of course I look back on the last 8 months and wonder if I could have done more with the time I’ve had with my little girl. Could I have gone to more groups? Probably. Does it matter? Probably not. Another new chapter is unfolding in my life. 

Time’s up.

The saga of the working mum is finally here.

I Am Mummy

Hi ho! Hi ho! It’s off to work I go.

Yes, that’s right. The time has come for me to leave this delightful creature as I re-enter the world of work.

I am nervous and anxious, but also excited and happy. It’s actually almost 3 weeks yet, but I’m off on holiday soon and I start as soon as I’m back from France. So it feels as though it is right there in front of me: the day I leave my gorgeous girl.

Ok. Maybe I’m being a little melodramatic. For starters, it’s only 1 day a week. Secondly, it isn’t like she’s being taken by wolves into the woods to be raised away from me. It is literally 9 hours apart, perhaps 10 at a push. 

Except… even writing that makes me want to cry. Because, in a way, just as she is dependent on me, I have become dependent on her.

I live to see her smiles; to hear her giggles; to watch her trying to crawl; to hold her close and inhale her scent. I live to provide comfort, to play peek-a-boo, to sing Wind the Bobbin Up 100 times a day. I live to love her.

Of course, I am more than ‘mummy’. I know that. I am a wife, a daughter, sister, friend. I am Mrs Haines, and I am a writer. A teacher. A singer. But above all these things…

I am mummy.