Sitting here on the eve of my 30th birthday, I don’t feel how I thought I would.
I thought I’d feel anxious… sad… old, even.
I think it’s safe to say I was a happy, slightly cheeky little girl. I loved fairy tales, and I loved God. Many would say not a whole lot has changed. I still love stories, I still love God, and I’m still pretty happy-go-lucky.
But it hasn’t always been the case. My early 20s were marred with insecurity, paranoid anxiety, sadness and a great amount of feeling worthless. I joke with my closest friends that I wouldn’t be here today if it weren’t for their presence on this journey we call life… but it is true. I mean, I’d still be here. Let’s not be overly dramatic, I wasn’t suicidal. But I would not be the person I am now if it weren’t for all those incredible people who knew me and loved me even when I felt completely and utterly unlovable. It’s also true of the people who came into my life in my mid and late 20s; the people who have seen me through the nitty gritty of daily life as I studied, graduated, got married, had a baby and wrestled with all of those demons from earlier in the decade.
And so, last night I gathered as many of those people in one room to celebrate turning 30. Whether they realised it or not, whether I’ve known them for my whole life or just a few months, they have had an impact on the person I am now; the place where I am. We chatted, danced, drank, conga-ed and laughed. We celebrated. And it was really
wonderful a privilege to share it with them.
If someone had told me all that would happen between 20 and 30, I wouldn’t have believed it. Even if you’d told me when I turned 25, I wouldn’t have been able to see any of the last 5 years as a reality.
Despite all of the pain, all of the wrestling, there have been such intense joys: I have fallen in love, been loved, and found a truer confidence within myself than I ever thought possible. Of course, there are still days when I wonder what on Earth I’m doing, but I don’t feel lost.
I feel like I’m home.
I am excited for what the next 10 years will bring.