Twilight Memories

One smell of that Twilight scent and I remember.

I remember.

I remember the realisation that this was it, no going back; you were on your way and I would be a real life mother.

I remember sitting on my exercise ball, pacing the hall, leaning on the cabinet, breathing deeply and hoping for the best.

I remember losing all awareness of day and night; blended together as I enforced dim light throughout our home.

I remember.

I remember bath after bath after bath; trying to keep my bump underwater, to ease the discomfort.

I remember being naked, physically and emotionally; not caring, as the midwife checked how I was doing.

I remember your father feeding me leftover lebbeküchen from our celebrations days earlier.

I remember.

I remember the sweet sunrise that Wednesday morning, wondering if that would be the day you’d arrive.

I remember the relief of NHS tea and toast when I surrendered my dream of a home birth.

I remember thehours whiled away, waiting and wanting you to come.

I remember.

I remember those final pushes. The moment you came out. The first time I saw you.

I thought I’d cry. I didn’t.

I remember holding you for what felt like only a moment, though I’m reliably told it was over an hour.

I remember the sunrise that morning too, as beautiful as the last.

I remember.

I remember the fear on our first car journey home; the anger at speeding drivers, spinning around the corner.

I remember holding you, mesmerised, shocked, slightly numb, wondering if I’d done something dumb.

How could I be a mum?

I remember knowing I’d never love anyone else or anything else in the same way. Ever.

I remember.

I remember my body felt as though it had been through an horrific ordeal. It had.

I remember that first bath. Wow. What release and comfort, physically and emotionally.

I remember closing my eyes, pulling my head under the water, drowning out the world’s noise and demands.

I remember.

I remember that lavender scent. Musky. Divine. Healing.

I remember that is what every bath and shower felt like. Heavenly healing. Of my body and my mind.

I remember how amazing I felt afterwards, the aroma clinging.

I remember.

Isn’t it amazing what one scent can trigger?